Deviant Life #33

Standard

033s

FIRST / PREVIOUS / NEXT

For as long as I can remember, the Polyamory community has had a strangely sex negative segment that was largely born of the desire to distance themselves as much as possible from the widespread assumptions by people outside of the community that polyamory was all about fucking around indiscriminately. It’s why, despite the huge amount of common ground they share, a lot of the polyamory community holds animosity towards the swinging community…something that largely goes one way since people in the swinging community don’t have any anxiety over being mistaken for polyamorists and being scorned for being all about love.  These purists afraid to admit that a lot of loving relationships start from a place of sexual desire were the first to start talking about “true polymory”.

However, as Polyamory has really been taking off in the last ten years or so as far as the attention it’s been getting in the media, the demographics of the polyamory community have undergone a huge shift and consequentially an influx of new ideas. This has largely been a good thing, but one of the less pleasant side effects is that there’s are now a multitude of new ways for people, according to other people, to be “doing polyamory wrong.”  Instead of just one group of assholes slut shaming people who are more sexually open than them, we have a whole new group of assholes who are basically commitment shaming people whose style of polyamory involves any elements they don’t like.

I think it’s important to remember that Polyamory as a movement has no deities. There is no one true model everyone is meant to mold themselves and their relationships to.  There aren’t even any basic rules. Even the basic definition of polyamory meaning “many loves” is as open to personal interpretation as the independent words “love” and “many”. I mean, isn’t someone with two romantic partners really just practicing duoamory? Two doesn’t seem like “many” to me.  That’s exactly how pedantic anyone who starts talking about “true polyamory” seems to me.

 

(Discerning Deviant is supported entirely through reader sponsorship via the Discerning Deviant Patreon and can also be followed on Facebook, TumblrTwitter, or Instagram.)

Deviant Life #24

Standard

024s

FIRST / PREVIOUS / NEXT

As someone who is is always polyamorous but occasionally has been involved in swinging, I’ve often found myself caught between people who don’t understand that polyamory isn’t about pursuing casual sex for purely recreational purposes and people who don’t understand that being polyamorous doesn’t preclude being able to do exactly that.

While the polyamory community has definitely been opening up a lot more in recent years to the idea that sex can be enjoyed outside of long term relationships, as relationships anarchists and those who practice solo polyamory have created more visibility for low enmeshment relationship models, there’s still a lot of people that like to slut shame and tut-tut about “real” polyamory when people are having sex more casually than they think is appropriate.

A lot of it comes from reflexive defensiveness over frequent accusations that polyamory IS just about fucking around, but the level of sex negativity can reach nearly puritan levels when they scoff as sex without commitment as though that hasn’t been standard in even “monogamous” dating culture for as long as my 42 year old ass can remember. A lot of my most loving relationships started with a friendly sexual hook up that sparked a realization that there was a strong emotional connection there and we decided to build on it.

No, polyamory doesn’t mean just fucking around, but neither does it mean you have to be deeply enmeshed in a committed relationship to fuck. Love and sex are different things that go together amazingly well, but it doesn’t diminish one to enjoy the other independently.

In Discerning Deviant news, I’m excited for the next couple of weeks as not only will the next new Deviant Life strip post next weekend instead of the one after in order to catch us up for missing an update over the holidays, but it will be a triple sized update.

As a side note, if you like the idea of Deviant Life strips going up weekly instead of bi-weekly, consider chipping into out Patreon. As of this writing, we’re only $35/month away from reaching our goal before going weekly for real.

(Discerning Deviant is supported entirely through reader sponsorship via the Discerning Deviant Patreon and can also be followed on Facebook, TumblrTwitter, or Instagram.)