Deviant Life #35




I’ve had to field this sort of thing a lot, and my response is pretty much the same. I’ll never regret the good times I shared with someone even if a relationship ends before I wanted to. Yes, I always mourn the end of a relationship, but in the same way I mourn the death of a friend. When a friend dies, I don’t bellyache about how I wish I’d never spent all those years putting time and energy into cultivating that friendship. I cherish the memories we created together, however sad it might make me that we won’t be making more. I don’t see why the end of a romantic relationship should be any different. Time wasted being bitter is time that could be being used to form new connections. I want to always more towards where more love is, not stay stuck in an empty space where love used to be.

(Discerning Deviant is supported entirely through reader sponsorship via the Discerning Deviant Patreon and can also be followed on Facebook, TumblrTwitter, or Instagram.)

Winter Arcane’s Frolicon 2017 Panels



I’ve mentioned before that I’ll be making my debut as a presenter on three polyamory related panels at Frolicon 2017. With the recent release of the schedule for the Think Track, I now know when those classes are.

Introduction to Polyamory
Thursday (4/14) / 4:00 PM-5:15 PM / Room GA3

Polyamory is the philosophy of being open to having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously and its popularity is growing rapidly. This class is for all those who are taking their first steps into the world of love without traditional limitations. Learn some of the pros and cons of letting go of romantic and sexual exclusivity in relationships, some of the red flags that give warning that trouble lies ahead, and some of the strategies that can help avoid common pitfalls along the way.

The Jargon of Polyamory
Thursday (4/14) / 7:00 PM-8:15 PM / Room GA 9

Are you and your partner unicorn hunters? Do you feel compersion when you see your partner kiss someone else? Are you friends with your metamour? Well, if you’re new to polyamory and the community that has formed around it you may not even know what the hell those questions are asking. This class is here to help get you acquainted with the unusual words found all over polyamory forums and articles.

From Monogamish to Relationship Anarchy: The Many Flavors of Ethical Non-monogamy
Friday (4/15) / 10:00 AM-11:15 AM / Room GA 9

For most people who practice Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory is an adequate umbrella under which to come together as a community. However, there are many styles of Ethical Non-Monogamy out there. In this class we’ll discuss the various labels floating around the Polyamory community (as well as some types of Ethical Non-Monogamy that exist outside of the Polyamory umbrella) and their varied interpretations.

(Discerning Deviant is supported entirely through reader sponsorship via the Discerning Deviant Patreon.)


Songs of Ethical Non-Monogamy, Part 1


Monogamists have an endless supply of one true love songs to reflect their approach to relationships. Likewise, there are countless odes to no-strings sexual relationships. You can find whole albums dedicated exclusively to either of them. Polyamorists and people who practice similar forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, however, have a much more limited pool of popular music to relate to.

While there are other lists out there (and I’m not going to pretend I didn’t reference them while making this one), they’re often loaded with songs that are really just about cheating or simply loveless fucking around. For example, one list contains The Offspring’s “Self-Esteem” which is a song about a guy whose girlfriend is constantly cheating on him and is miserable about it but he doesn’t have the spine to break up with her. That, to me, is not a song about any flavor of Ethical Non-Monogamy.

So I decided to make my own list, personally curating it to meet the a specific criteria of being about someone having multiple lovers in an honest manner and having an ongoing romantic relationship with at least one of those lovers to distinguish it from simply being about no strings sex. There are those who practice no strings Ethical Non-Monogamy, forming no ongoing relationships, but there are too many songs about people having multiple casual sex partners. There are artists who build their entire career around being sexual liberated and not being tied down to anyone, so I don’t think people practicing that form of Ethical Non-Monogamy are hurting for songs to relate to.

I also only included songs I could find on YouTube videos to link to so people can actually listen to the songs. That is the main reason this list has been taking so long to compile and I’m only posting half the list right now. I find it incredibly difficult to listen to music without getting lost in music. For each song on this list, I probably spent 15-20 minutes listening to that song, reading its lyrics, and writing its entry and another 40-60 minutes going down YouTube’s rabbit hole of suggested videos. There were also a lot of songs I did all that with then ended up not including because they didn’t meet the criteria.

Expect the second half of the list next month, as well as a page merging them as a singular reference.  For now, I hope you enjoy what I’ve got so far. As time consuming as making this list was, it was also a lot of fun.

1, 2. 3 (You, Her, and Me)” by Rick James

This fun Rick James groove portrays an all too common entry point into Ethical Non-Monogamy…a dude getting busted cheating and turning it into a pitch for a triad. It may be a bit light on the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy, the singer at least sounds like he’s laying it all on the table, now that he’s caught, that he loves both women (“My love for you is so strong, my love for her is unwrong!”) and wants to go on openly loving them both (“We could be together, the three of us forever!”). It’s kind of hard to root for the guy even if we stay within the scene painted by the song and don’t apply what we know about Rick James himself to it, but it’s hard to deny that there are people in the world of ethical non-monogamy who entered it as refugees of unethical non-monogamy.

3” by Britney Spears

Reading the comment section of the official YouTube video of this song is a real treat if you love watching people’s innocence destroyed by the realization that Britney Spears released a chart topping pop song about group sex (mostly threesomes, though she does up the ante to a foursome in one line). Also, unlike Rick James above, she’s not dwelling on love or bringing up commitment…she’s all about making group sex sound like awesome fun (“merrier the more,

triple fun that way, twister on the floor, what do you say”). She seems extremely up front about it, though, not needing to get busted before putting it on the table that she’s super down for a threesome or maybe even moresome. She even very sweetly assures her partner that it’s cool if they’re not interested in more than one on one (“what we do is innocent, just for fun and nothin’ meant, if you don’t like the company, let’s just do it you and me”). That kind of forthrightness is tops in my book.

All My Lovers” by Black Tape for a Blue Girl

This ambient sounding track, by a dark wave group I’ll confess I’d never heard before I started researching this list, is sung from the point of view of a woman describing sexual intimacy with one lover (“he touches my hair, touches my breast, I feel him inside me”) while reassuring another (“and I don’t love you less, because of them, I don’t need you less, when I feel his caress”). She seems to luxuriate in the wonderfulness of being free to be open in such a way (“My lovers help me brush away deception from my path, back to a place where thoughts are pure, nothing to hide”).

Cactus Tree” by Joni Mitchell

This lovely folk ballad from the 60’s portrays a woman who loves and is loved by multiple men (“there’s a lady, in the city, and she thinks she loves them all.”) but is very much attached to her freedom and turns away from becoming enmeshed (“Now she rallies her defenses, for she fears that one will ask her for eternity, and she’s so busy being free”). It’s not clear that the men know about each other, but it seems obvious enough that she’s not made any commitments to any of them either.

Culture Shock” by Olivia Newton John

This was one of the more surprising songs I dug up in my research. It’s a fairly bland song even by contemporary pop standards, but Olivia Newton John was not someone I expected to have such a blatantly pro-ethical non-monogamy song in 1985. It’s a classic polyamory scenario of a woman confessing to her long term partner that she’s fallen in love with another man and doesn’t want to give either of them up (“You gotta know, I didn’t plan it, it was the last thing on my mind/How can you love two people at the same time? Ooh ooh/Now I don’t wanna lose you, but I can’t give him up”). She doesn’t really beat around the bush either, getting straight to making a case for the end she desires (“I know it’s unconventional, radical but practical/Why can’t the three of us live together?”).

Family” by Gaia Consort

This bouncy folk rock song is notable for being the theme song for “Family”, an episodic web series about polyamory. Unsurprisingly given the title, it reflects a more family-oriented style of Ethical Non-Monogamy than most of this list (“All the outs are in free, the babies are sleeping/Time enough for love when everybody puts a hand in”).

The French Song” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

This rock song barely made the cut, as the English lyrics could be construed as an invitation to cheat, but the French lyrics are more explicit that what the singer is angling for is a threesome (“J’aime faire l’amour sur tout a trois” translates to “I love to make love, especially with three”). Apparently Joan wanted to make a song about threesomes but didn’t want to offend anyone so she had her French speaking guitar tech right the chorus in French. It almost gets cut off by the list by the viewpoint character not having an ongoing relationship with the person she’s trying to sell on the threesome, but it sounds like the person she’s talking to is part of an established couple so I’m going to count it.
Happy Guy” by Devo

This fairly standard Devo track tells of a man in love with two different women (“He was twice in love/with two very different girls”) and it working out pretty well for him (“Knowing life was short/He told them both the truth/But they already knew/Now he’s a happy guy”). At least for a while. Later in the song it talks about a less joyous scenario (“Let me tell you about a man/A tragic case/Love kicked in his face/He shriveled up and died/From a broken heart”) and it could be the same guy, indicating that his happy trio didn’t work out in the end, but it clearly did for a while so I’m counting it. Also, the song has a pretty uplifting ending (“Reincarnated as a work of art/He’s got a brand new start/Hey!/Now he’s a happy guy”).

Let’s Invite Them Over” by George Jones and Melba Montgomery

A sad country duet about a couple who are in love with their friends instead of each other. Though they’ve clearly had their friends over before, they clearly feel guilty about it (“We’ve talked it over and over/And we know it’s not right”) but also really want to do it again (“Yes we stay away for a while/But we know in the end/We’ll invite them over again”). It sounds like the pieces are there for a potentially happy situation if they could get over their shame (to be fair, the song was released in 1963, so they could be forgiven for feeling uncomfortable breaking the norm of society).

Light of Some Kind” by Ani DiFranco

Another song that sounds like a pretty realistic situation. A woman unfaithful to her boyfriend is uncomfortable with deception (“’cause we both know what i’ve been doing/i’ve been intentionally bad at lying”), coming clean that she’s fallen for another woman (“she came up to me with the sweetest face/and she was holding a light of some kind”). She doesn’t want this situation to be the end of them, but rather he should do as she’s done  (“and i still think of you as my boyfriend/i don’t think this is the end of the world/but i think maybe you should follow my example/and go meet yourself a really nice girl”). However, it sounds like the boyfriend may have a strictly monogamous mindset (“in the end the world comes down to just a few people/but for you it comes down to one”) so the song ends on a sad note. Even so, I really like this song for its realness.

Love In Stereo” by The Monks

This pop punk song sure doesn’t make it sound like the guy singing it is having very much fun being in a relationship with two women (“You might well look on and envy me/But this feelin’ isn’t so hi-fi”), as it’s mostly a recitation of all the hassle it is having two women who have different needs (“One wants to stay at home/the other wants the night out/one wants to read in bed/the other wants the light out”). He sounds like he’d much rather be in a monogamous relationship, but he’s the one choosing to have two relationships simultaneously instead of making a choice between his two lovers, so his polyamorous situation is all on him.

My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend” by Type O-Negative

This song was a wild departure from the gothic metal sound that permeates most of Type O-Negative’s music, with its bouncy keyboards and upbeat rhythm. The only thing tying it to their signature sound is the late Peter Steele’s always sinister sounding voice. The man could have sung the My Little Pony theme song and it would have had a touch of darkness in it. Another song about a man with two lovers, he’s having a much better time of it than the “Love In Stereo” guy (“They keep me warm on cold nights/We must be quite a sight/In our meat triangle/All tangled”).

My Girl’s Got A Girlfriend” by Ray Lavender

What does Ray Lavender, whom I’d never heard of before making this list, do when he finds out his girlfriend is cheating on him with another woman (“I hear moanin’/Fo’ real somebody, I finna kill somebody/Then I get closer, I hear groanin’/Bust in the door and see my girl wit a chick”)? Well, according to this song he just slides into bed with them (“I’d rather just join in/Keep my girl and keep the other one too/My girl gotta girlfriend, Hey!/It really it’s not a problem/’Cause Ima make it do what it do, girl!”). Girlfriend fucking another guy equals murder, girlfriend fucking another girl equals a happy surprise. Got it…we’ll file you firmly into the One Penis Policy category. It may be a bit misogynistic, but he’s definitely into keeping things going in an openly non-monogamous way so it makes the list.

(Discerning Deviant is supported entirely through reader sponsorship via the Discerning Deviant Patreon.)